10 Random Rules About Life, For People That Are Confused About Stuff

1.  If you choose to cross the street where there isn't a crosswalk, you give up the right-of-way.  A car probably still won't hit you, because they don't want you to fly up and crack their windshield, but you should be aware of oncoming cars and speed up the pace of your walk if the cars have to slow down because of you.  Walking slowly across non-crosswalked portions of roads is frowned upon in the same fashion as is going out in public without wearing pants.

2. If you ride on an elevator with someone, you are not obligated to talk to them, but you should be prepared to make eye contact and smile so they know you aren't creepy.

3. If you have a headache, just take the advil.  Trying to 'tough it out' is not appropriate.

4. There is heavy traffic every day.  Don't be a jackass; leave a little bit earlier for work.

5. Once you have done a task in more than 1 country, you are permitted to describe your execution of that task as "global".  Example: I went to Cancun for spring break; therefore, I am a global traveler.

6. Don't ever say "I'll do this, but I don't want to." If you do something it means you want to do it.  Or you don't want to deal with the consequences of not doing whatever your thing was.  This makes sense, trust me.

7. Bank of America should be avoided at all costs.  If I ever become 'big money' (a.k.a. 'Kate middleton money' or 'find an oil field money'), I swear I will start a bank and you can do your transacting with me.  Every time you make a deposit, we send you a cookie, and when you call customer service it rings my cell phone.  Limit 100 customers.

8. Paying $20 extra to fly economy plus is worth the extra leg room.  Don't be afraid to upgrade!

9. Having multiple vices is a sign of mental stability. Before entering into a relationship that requires you to trust someone, make sure their life involves one of the following things: cussing, alcohol consumption, caffeine addiction, eating too much red meat, driving a car that gets less than 18 mpg, or watching meaningless television. Vices to be avoided include drug abuse, laziness, womanizing, and most actions that would be considered a crime.

10. Don't make fun of people for using technology that you don't know how to use.  Texting, listening to music from a playing-card sized device, etc. are all things that improve the way the work works.  Facebook addiction satisfies an acceptable vice, as described in rule #9.  We like to use gadgets to do stuff, and we don't make fun of you for mailing paper letters or listening to Barry Manilow on 8-track, so back off.