Today's Non-News

Cuts to the news department at The Capital are clearly taking their toll, as here is today's front page:

The lead story above the fold is that "rain hampers commutes". Previous weather headlines are just as awful. In comparison, the top headline for The Sun relates business to the upcoming super bowl, and the next story is about a hot politcal issue: Nancy Grasmick. Oh well, at least we now know how the commute that we were in this morning went, and the cause of the slowdown.

We Must Live In A Boring World

I arrived home last night, whipped off my coat, slung my shoes into the closet, sneezed, and tore open The Capital in the hopes of reading something useful. Boy was I stupid! Here is what I saw as the main headline in the Arundel Report:

No consensus on weekend weather
But all agree that wintry precipitation is on the way

That was the headline. I'm not kidding.

This is not the first time The Capital told us something worthless about weather. About 6 weeks ago, we learned that rain causes accidents, and that we should drive carefully when it is raining.

Yesterday's article went on to clarify just how much is NOT known about the weather this weekend:

"There is a high level of uncertainty," said Meteorologist Andy Woodcock at the
National Weather Service in Sterling, Va. "We are seeing several different
possibilities that could take place. There is definitely going to be
precipitation from Saturday into Sunday. The question is what form it will be
in."

Who cares? Newspapers should worry about things they DO know, things that DID happen, and how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop (I need to know). If you printed every issue on which there is no consensus, you'd have War and Peace delivered to 30.000 homes every afternoon.

Besides, it's not like they are trying to predict the end of the world--it's weather. Here is what you put in the paper for this weekend's weather:

COLD. WET. UGLY.

People will get the point.

Rain: Different Than Sun

Happily employing this blog's first Wizard of Oz reference, allow me to pull back the curtain. The way this blog gets written is as follows:

-First priority for posting goes to time-sensitive and/or breaking information, or ideas that I want to talk about and/or have recently thought about.

-Second priority goes to posts that are inspired by issues that surface while I am reading newspapers or other blogs. When I am really busy, I read through sever days' papers at the same time.

-Third priority goes to posts that have nothing to do with anything, like this one and this one, which are written if and when I cannot come up with any material using priorities #1 and #2.

The point that I am getting to is that my time is somewhat valuable. Consequently, when I am perusing the newspaper for the 'hot' issues, I needn't be burdened with articles that do not serve a purpose.

And here we finally are, arriving at the focus of this particular post--a remarkably useless bit of reporting about the weather.

Here is the headline:

RAIN CAUSES NUMEROUS ACCIDENTS; CAUTION URGED.

This just in: WATER CAUSES WETNESS; TOWELS SUGGESTED.

Terrible.

It would be one thing if the headline was, perhaps, at the top or bottom of the front page, and left to be. But the whole article is basically common sense dribble. If I were being interviewed for this article, I would probably try to verbalize my responses while moving only my upper lip, just to make it interesting.

All of the following excerpts were deemed newsworthy enough to be printed in the article. Enjoy:

With rain forecasted through Saturday morning, drivers can
expect to be faced with challenges during their commutes and trips during much
of the week.

Weather has a 'significant impact' on the number of crashes.

Several factors contribute to the increase (in crashes), with
visibility, traction and speed being the most prevalent.

A driver's rate of speed has a direct impact on visibility and
traction.

Cpl. Shawkey
advises that drivers give themselves additional travel time when it
rains.

It is never advantageous to be in a hurry speeding while it is
raining.